Last night my husband told me I had 'issues.' He was referring to what I think of as my quirky personality and numerous phobias, which of course, he doesn't understand, being French and male and perfect. I rolled my eyes and told him to deal with it since I am the one that actually suffers.
My two major phobias are arachnophobia (fear of spiders) and claustrophobia (fear of suffocating). Occasionally a myriad of other minor fears show their face and make me feel slightly neurotic...some legitimate (like heights and death) and some just plain silly (sharks in swimming pools, evil leprechauns in the kitchen, my husband becoming possessed and stabbing me in my sleep).
I blame my phobias/fears on my imaginative mind. Did you ever experience those moments as a kid where you were playing hide-and-go-seek and you hadn't yet found a spot and the seeker was heading your way....a great surge of panic and adrenaline fills you and you dive for the nearest safe spot, heart pounding as if you just evaded certain death, and in that moment it wasn't a game, but a struggle for survival? Yes? No? I've never quite grown out of that phase. I still feel the surge of panic after watching a zombie movie when my husband decides to be a jerk and shuts off all of the lights and makes groaning noises to scare me (and he very much succeeds) or when I am at the pool and think of that scene from Jaws where the girl is swimming and you can see her legs in the water and then a bit further down, the gigantic shark coming her way with its mouth wide open and teeth gleaming. I know sharks can't get into pools, but that still doesn't stop my mind from panicking for a few seconds.
Last week I was swimming and I had to duck under the lane markers to get out of the pool. I have never liked to put my face in the water but figured a quick dunk under wouldn't kill me. Well...I swear I have suffered post-traumatic stress from that incident. Just the few seconds of being completely submerged set my mind into sheer panic because of my claustrophobia. Ever since then I have had a hard time drinking water because all I can think about is drowning, of the water never stopping and there being no breaks for oxygen, and my lungs filling until they can't hold any more and yet it keeps coming and I have to keep drinking....you see where I am going with this? Completely irrational and probably just perfect for a writer. If I think of something, it is real to me in that moment. Slashed throats in movies make me grab my own throat. Looking at my husband's huge scar on his leg from when a bedspring ripped his thigh open to the bone makes me almost faint from just imagining what it felt and looked like when it happened.
I find my imagination both a blessing and a curse. It makes life interesting for me and gives family and friends reason to think I am an absolute nutjob. It also makes writing a very real experience because I can fully immerse myself in my scenes and feel what the character is feeling in a deeply personal way.
Any other creative brains out there who suffer from this?
4 comments:
Oh yes. I have severe kabourophobia, fear of crustaceans.
A few months ago, I was taking a shower, which is where all my best ideas come to me, and out of nowhere, I had a vivid vision of tiny crabs crawling out of the drain. I literally ran out of the shower, soaked and covered in suds and fell onto my bed with stars in my eyes. It took me five minutes to bring myself to walk back to the shower and turn it off. I didn't get back in.
I love the vivid imagination machine inside my head, but like any gift, it has severely negative side-effects.
I have a huge fear of spiders, too. Unfortunately, they love my house and I find them all of the time. Ug, now I'm shivering just thinking about them.
You know, I think you're right. Sounds like you could use your own fears to make some of your characters more realistic.
I am claustrophobic, too. VERY much so. I didn't even have a veil on my wedding dress. I don't like things on my head. What if it came alive and suffocated me? See, wild imagination. I so get this. You aren't strange - you are unique and creative! Just don't go under the water anymore. :)
I'm glad I am not alone in this!
Jon - I like your line, 'Like any gift, it has severely negative side effects.' It is absolutely true and works wonderfully with the story I am writing.
Melissa - I am SO SORRY that you have to deal with spiders on a daily basis in your house. I don't know if I could handle that. Daddy long-legs are tolerable but anything else...well, I'm shivering now too!
Lady Glamis - I definitely won't go under the water anymore...and I totally understand the whole veil thing. My husband often hugs me so tight that my face gets smushed into his chest. I freak out and push back, which annoys him, but I've explained to him my fear of suffocating. Since he thinks I am being silly, he just grumbles about how he wishes I was more snuggly. I wasn't always this way, so I don't understand why it has developed so strongly now.
Thank you for your responses, everyone! I enjoy discussing these kind of writer-related issues with people that actually understand and can sympathize. And no matter what fears plague us, I still say yay to the creativity that urges us on in our writing endeavours!
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