So...where to begin?
Today hasn't been the greatest day. In fact, this last week and a half hasn't been the greatest either. The confident calm I had bragged about a couple months back has disintegrated into blubbering chaos, and I have unfortunately turned into one of those women. You know...crying in the doctor's office, crying when I run into my grandma at the grocery store. Crying. All. The. Time.
Just admitting this is embarassing. I cringe.
I had thought that seeing my doctor would make things better. I would tell her my problems (anxiety, depression, inability to live up to my supervisor's expectations at work, fear of contracting the deadly H1N1 virus running rampant in our region right now, especially because I'm surrounded by sick people at work all day, getting an average three hours of sleep a night...) and she would be sympathetic and put me on stress leave. Well, she did and she didn't. Instead, I was prescribed meds and given a week off work. From a job that is laying me off in four weeks (yes, last week WAS supposed to be my last, but there have been delays, AGAIN).
This might sound ok, but it really isn't. Upon leaving her office I did some research and discovered that I don't have any sick leave and my work has cut out the short term medical leave option in our most basic of basic extended medical plan. As it stands, my doc has to agree to give me what I originally asked for, which was a 15 weeks medical leave that would carry me into my maternity benefits, or else I don't get paid for any of this time off, which I obviously can't afford.
So I sit here, trying not to stress--which is impossible, of course--and I wonder why things have to be this difficult. I have even started to wonder if I am a bad person...is this karma?...am I being irrational about this?...does my doctor's office now think I am crazy for calling so many times today to get a straight answer?...am I going to end up back at work tomorrow, emotionally unstable and prone to throwing things?...why isn't this EASY?!
I try to remember those wise words, "This, too, shall pass."
Needless to say, no writing has been done :(
3 comments:
I'm so sorry to hear about this. Unfortunately, crying, sleepless nights, and depression are all part of pregnancy. My fist pregnancy wasn't really that bad, but the last two were horrible. I think it's because I was working full time for the last two and was stressed out all the time. I hope your doctor will go ahead and put you on medical leave - it will do wonders for your stress level.
I hope your doctor puts you on medical leave. I'm understanding that's what needs to happen?
I quit my job early when I was pregnant. It got so bad that I realized it simply wasn't worth it. It cost us a few thousand dollars extra in the long run, but I really didn't care. I still don't. It was worth every cent to relax and take those last months as time to bond with my baby while she was still inside me. I needed that.
You need a lot of hugs and some relaxing time. Please keep us posted as to what happens? Remember, everything in its own time. Writing will come when it comes.
Yeah, I think the lack of sleep is what finally pushed me over the edge. My job was demanding enough when I was in top shape, so trying to cope at work proved to be near impossible these last few weeks. That's probably why I completely lost it in front of the doctor.
It is nice to hear that all this stuff is a regular part of pregnancy. Now I don't feel as crazy :)
I'm still not sure what is going on, but it looks like I might be off work for good now. Well, I still have to convince my doctor that that is best, but she hasn't left me with many options now, because I have to apply for medical leave in order to get paid for this week, and once I start, I can't just quit and go back to work or I won't get much in the way of maternity leave since I will have already opened a claim. This is way more complicated than I would have originally thought it would be!
I just keep picturing that beautiful baby that is on its way, and I can't help but smile and relax :)
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