It has to get better, right?!

So...where to begin?

Today hasn't been the greatest day. In fact, this last week and a half hasn't been the greatest either. The confident calm I had bragged about a couple months back has disintegrated into blubbering chaos, and I have unfortunately turned into one of those women. You know...crying in the doctor's office, crying when I run into my grandma at the grocery store. Crying. All. The. Time.

Just admitting this is embarassing. I cringe.

I had thought that seeing my doctor would make things better. I would tell her my problems (anxiety, depression, inability to live up to my supervisor's expectations at work, fear of contracting the deadly H1N1 virus running rampant in our region right now, especially because I'm surrounded by sick people at work all day, getting an average three hours of sleep a night...) and she would be sympathetic and put me on stress leave. Well, she did and she didn't. Instead, I was prescribed meds and given a week off work. From a job that is laying me off in four weeks (yes, last week WAS supposed to be my last, but there have been delays, AGAIN).

This might sound ok, but it really isn't. Upon leaving her office I did some research and discovered that I don't have any sick leave and my work has cut out the short term medical leave option in our most basic of basic extended medical plan. As it stands, my doc has to agree to give me what I originally asked for, which was a 15 weeks medical leave that would carry me into my maternity benefits, or else I don't get paid for any of this time off, which I obviously can't afford.

So I sit here, trying not to stress--which is impossible, of course--and I wonder why things have to be this difficult. I have even started to wonder if I am a bad person...is this karma?...am I being irrational about this?...does my doctor's office now think I am crazy for calling so many times today to get a straight answer?...am I going to end up back at work tomorrow, emotionally unstable and prone to throwing things?...why isn't this EASY?!

I try to remember those wise words, "This, too, shall pass."

Needless to say, no writing has been done :(

Desperately Seeking Zen

I have been living in my housecoat for the last two days, sans makeup, with a roll of toilet paper at my side. I hate being sick. I tried everything in my power not to get sick (handwashing to the point of dry, scaly, skin) and yet, here I am, stuck on the couch, praying that I only have a cold. All this hype about the deadly flu that kills pregnant women has gotten under my skin. Where, oh where, did my super-Zen state of mind go?

It probably didn't help that last week was stressful enough, with everyone at my work calling in sick and leaving us short-staffed, and then I was scheduled for an emergency ultrasound (I'm only thirteen weeks pregnant and already I've had TWO ultrasounds....and both times were probably completely unnecessary) which only added to the craziness. I'm looking forward to actually enjoying this pregnancy. Well, luckily, everyone is back at work (except for me) and my ultrasound results came back excellent, so my baby is probably inside me right now thinking, 'Would you just chill out already, mom!'

I think I will just be relieved when I'm done work for good--two weeks left!--and I can get away from all of the sick people. Besides the abundance of germs and viruses, I truly love the fall season...the changing colours...the leaves on the ground. And this year, I will actually get to see it (!) instead of being stuck in a windowless building with oodles of spiders and enough dust to build a replica of a snow-man. I won't have to live in constant darkness, getting to work just as the sun comes up and leaving when the sun has already sank below the horizon, not to mention the fact that I currently work in a darkroom, breathing in chemicals and keeping an eye out for the cousins of the spider I just squished. I can't wait to be unemployed!!

Granted, I know it is easy to fall into the trap of lethargy and sloth-like behaviour, so I have started a list of everything I want to accomplish. Mainly, I think a structured plan will be ideal: morning workout at the gym, housecleaning, blogging, working on WIP, afternoon walk for exercise and inspiration, more writing, making dinner. I really don't think I'll have time to be bored.

But, first, I need to get over this darn cold.