It has to get better, right?!

So...where to begin?

Today hasn't been the greatest day. In fact, this last week and a half hasn't been the greatest either. The confident calm I had bragged about a couple months back has disintegrated into blubbering chaos, and I have unfortunately turned into one of those women. You know...crying in the doctor's office, crying when I run into my grandma at the grocery store. Crying. All. The. Time.

Just admitting this is embarassing. I cringe.

I had thought that seeing my doctor would make things better. I would tell her my problems (anxiety, depression, inability to live up to my supervisor's expectations at work, fear of contracting the deadly H1N1 virus running rampant in our region right now, especially because I'm surrounded by sick people at work all day, getting an average three hours of sleep a night...) and she would be sympathetic and put me on stress leave. Well, she did and she didn't. Instead, I was prescribed meds and given a week off work. From a job that is laying me off in four weeks (yes, last week WAS supposed to be my last, but there have been delays, AGAIN).

This might sound ok, but it really isn't. Upon leaving her office I did some research and discovered that I don't have any sick leave and my work has cut out the short term medical leave option in our most basic of basic extended medical plan. As it stands, my doc has to agree to give me what I originally asked for, which was a 15 weeks medical leave that would carry me into my maternity benefits, or else I don't get paid for any of this time off, which I obviously can't afford.

So I sit here, trying not to stress--which is impossible, of course--and I wonder why things have to be this difficult. I have even started to wonder if I am a bad person...is this karma?...am I being irrational about this?...does my doctor's office now think I am crazy for calling so many times today to get a straight answer?...am I going to end up back at work tomorrow, emotionally unstable and prone to throwing things?...why isn't this EASY?!

I try to remember those wise words, "This, too, shall pass."

Needless to say, no writing has been done :(